Helping your child set boundaries

“As parents, our need is to be needed. As teenagers their need is not to need us. This conflict is real: we experience it daily as we help those we love to become independent of us”. - Dr G.H.Ginott

Parenting and working with teenagers can be tiring to an extent. They are emotional and energetic and test the boundaries of who they are and who you are.

Our children need to learn to:

• treat themselves and others well.

• problem solve effectively.

• manage the ups and downs of their lives in a calm, regulated way.

• have healthy, reciprocal relationships, and

• function INDEPENDENTLY of us.

Setting boundaries is one of the toughest parts of parenting or working with children and adolescents. However, it is also one of the most important. When we set boundaries for kids, we teach them how to set boundaries in their own lives. We teach them how to have physically and emotionally safe experiences and relationships.

“Healthy boundaries are not walls to lock people out, they are barriers that set us free to love the right people, most importantly ourselves”. - Ann Lesley

We need to set boundaries for these main reasons:

1. Kids need firm boundaries for a sense of safety and attachment. It is also part of their healthy, normal development to push against these boundaries and test you as a parent.

2. If we are inconsistent with boundaries, we are asking kids to exercise judgement they have not fully developed yet. The adolescent brain is in a changing stage that makes them take risks and make bad decisions.

3. Boundaries we set for our kids at an early age demonstrate to them how to set and maintain boundaries with others in future relationships. This is so vital!

Setting boundaries can be difficult due to cultural beliefs – we must be nice to people even when they are not nice to us. For instance, “always respect your elders” may not apply in some circumstances where a child’s boundaries are crossed. 

“We often ask children to tune into other peoples’ emotional states, wants, and needs but not their own. We encourage kids to heed the feelings of the adults in their lives or their friends. They need to tune into their own emotional, moral, and physical states to connect authentically with themselves.” - Kristina Morgan- Clinical Psychologist

In short, kids need to learn what they like and don’t like. They need to be able to name and own their values. When we don’t let our children grow into who they are, we stop them from knowing where their boundaries need to be.

When kids do get the concept of boundaries, they really get it. They will be able to give you examples of incidents when their boundaries have been crossed because they felt it so viscerally.

Tips for parents

1. Be confident in saying no to your children

   They need to hear how to say no and the words to use. It also lets them learn when it is appropriate to say no. For this reason, never say no to exercise power and control. If the situation becomes heated, practice “the Pause” have a break and get back to it later. Don’t get drawn into an argument. Stay as calm as you can.

2. Set your own boundaries

   Teach your children they may have to wait while you finish something or speak to someone before you can give them your undivided attention. If you drop everything the moment they want your help it tells them, you have no boundaries and your time isn’t important.

3. Give kids clear, logical boundaries and structure

   Teach them that having boundaries makes life easier and more comfortable. There’s less conflict over every decision. Obviously, decision-making needs to be age appropriate. Young children need simpler and more concrete boundaries.

4. Practice smaller boundaries

   Everyone in the house completing chores, contacting relatives- everyone contributing. This makes managing the bigger issues like curfews, parties, romantic relationships easier in the long term.

5. Children and young people have the right to say no

   You or a relative may want a hug but forcing them into it teaches them that they should always accept unwanted intimacy and this may impact future romantic relationships for them. Having those body boundaries should not be challenged.

6. Different opinions are okay

   It’s possible to have different opinions or disagree with someone without exclusion or penalties involved. Healthy arguments can be beneficial. Kids shouldn’t feel that they are less worthy if they express their own take on an issue try and hear them out.

Our job is to BE STRONG, WISE, and KIND for them.